This is not meant as an exhaustive summary of the book, but rather what points interested me as a reader.
Effective communication can mean the difference between long healthy relationships and a breakup.
Holding things in can result in detriments to your health.
Effective communication > snide remarks > silence
When stakes are high, we get defensive and get into fight or flight mode.
Adrenaline prevents us from making a measured reasoned response.
The fool's choice is the false either/or choice. Like between peace and candor. Look for the and.
The third way is discovering what pool of common meaning we share, and working from shared meaning/agreement.
Shift the question from "How do I win?" to "What do I really want..."
- for myself
- for others
- for the relationship?
Work on yourself first and the other person second. Delay the conversation if there are still things you need to work on. My note: if you never have the conversation and things aren't going well, maybe you're the problem.
Pay attention to the content and the actions and emotions of the other person and yourself. Notice if you're getting heated.
The condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. It's not a technique; you actually have to care about what the other person wants.
Help me forgive those who sin differently than I. You don't have a moral high ground because you have your own weaknesses. Therefore, mutual respect should not be difficult.
Apologize if you're at fault when a misunderstanding arrises.
Contrast what you don't want (to imply) vs what you do. This is not apologizing. "I'm not saying you're a bad employee, I just want to work on you being late."
The don't deals with the misunderstanding that put safety at risk.
Contrast provides context and proportion.
Don't use silence or violence to compel others to your view. Surrender false dialog, where you calmly argue your side until the other person gives in (kindly brontosaurus).
Finding mutual purpose requires knowing your and their purpose. People tend to argue for their strategy, which is easy to confuse for purpose. Cut through their strategy and relent on your own.
Other people's arguments evoke emotions in us because of the stories we create around their statements. Ensure that your narrative of their statement is in line with their actual meaning.
Beware self-serving stories. I'm the victim, they're the villain; I'm helpless (had no alternative). Turn victims into actors and villains into humans. Acknowledge your own role.
When we start with facts instead of our stories, we're more likely to avoid bad results. facts are less controversial and more persuasive. Starting with stories encourages others to tell villain stories about us.
After the facts, then tell your story. Remember that it's only one possible story.
Invite others to share their path from fact to story. Encourage them to disagree.
4 steps:
- Share your facts
- Tell your story
- Ask others' path/facts
- Talk tentatively
- Encourage testing
We need to be able to get information out of others even when they go to silence or violence. AMP(P) it up:
- Ask what's going on. Show genuine care and listen to their response.
- Mirror. If there's a disconnect between what the content and the manner of their delivery, point it out in a non-threatening way. "You say you're fine, but you seem upset."
- If you can't get them talking, Paraphrase what you think is their argument (don't forget to stay calm).
- At this point, you've either
- Gotten the conversation flowing. You're done. Congrats.
- They're not having it. Back off gently or ask them what their goal is.
- They're willing to open up, but haven't. Use Priming: guess at what grievance the other person may have.
Once you're in dialog, start with what you agree upon and build from there. Don't argue about things agree about. Instead of "Wrong, you forgot X," say "Yes, and also there's X."
If you still disagree on certain things, STATE.
Decide who is going to make decisions:
- Command - one trusted person makes the choice
- Consult - that person additionally gathers input from others
- Vote
- Consensus
Once decisions are made, decide who implements what by when, and write it down. Set a follow-up time and hold people accountable.
Chapters 10-12 are a summary, examples, and implementation.