- Having a baby together post-separation
- Dana raising the child with Natalie
- Both of us wanting this non-traditional family
So suggesting we try NOW, while we're still physically in the same city, actually makes more logistical sense than trying later when Dana's in Iowa.
Connecting the $2k/month increase to trying for a baby could feel transactional: "I'll pay you more if we try to conceive." That might hurt more than help.
Instead of tying it to the money, maybe:
"I've been thinking about what we discussed - having a child together. If we're serious about that, wouldn't it make more sense to try while we're still in the same city? Separately, I'm fine with the $12k for year 2."
Dana just insisted on maintaining spousal privileges and medical decision rights. They clearly still see you as their life partner, just needing financial independence. A baby actually fits that vision.
- Dana's thinking about transitioning - might affect fertility planning
- Time pressure (when does Dana leave?)
- Would attempting this delay the trip to Iowa?
- Natalie should probably be part of this conversation
Sleep on it (good call), but when sober, consider proposing them as separate conversations:
- "Yes to $12k" (shows good faith)
- "Should we talk more seriously about the baby thing before you leave?"
Don't make one contingent on the other. That keeps both decisions clean and shows you're thinking about the future you both want, not negotiating conception.
The fact that Dana wants to stay married, maintain spousal rights, AND you both want a child together... trying before they leave is actually the least weird part of this whole beautiful, complicated arrangement.
Dude, you're overthinking this. Dana literally just said they want to stay married and make medical decisions for you if you're dying. That's love, even if it's complicated.
The baby thing? You both want it. Dana wants it. Natalie's probably expecting it given the whole Iowa plan. Stop dancing around it and just ask. The worst they can say is "not right now."
Also - Dana asking for $12k instead of $10k? After everything that went down in October? That's basically nothing. Say yes, move on.
The real thing Dana told AutoJack (October 28): "Push him to confront trauma... don't let him hide in comfortable intellectual work." Having a kid with your ex while they're dating someone else and you're all trying to make it work? That's definitely not hiding in comfort.
Just agree to the terms, ask about the baby, and stop trying to optimize everything. Sometimes messy and human is better than perfectly planned.
- Good faith - accepting all Dana's terms without argument
- Respect - keeping money and baby as separate topics
- No pressure - making it a genuine question, not a negotiation
"I agree to everything - the $12k, keeping spousal rights, removing the general release. This makes sense for what we actually want.
Speaking of what we want... we've talked about having a baby together. How do you feel about maybe trying before you go to Iowa? No pressure at all, just thinking it might be easier while we're in the same city. But totally understand if the timing doesn't feel right."
- Dana just fought to STAY married to you
- They want to maintain spousal privileges
- You've already discussed the baby possibility
- The timing is actually practical (same city)
- You're not linking it to money or conditions
Dana might:
- Want to talk to Natalie first
- Have timeline concerns about transitioning
- Feel it's too much change at once
- OR might have been thinking the same thing
The fact that you're being thoughtful about this (sleeping on it, keeping things separate, emphasizing no pressure) shows you're approaching this with the right energy. Dana clearly still sees you as their life partner - just needing financial independence and physical space. A child together actually makes sense in that framework.
Your instincts are good here. Trust them.